Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Conversations With Myself

1.

I can't write good fiction.

You don't say.

I have weak imagination. I can only write about what I have gone through and known and felt. Sure, I can exaggerate, understate, embellish, take liberties. But I need a solid floor of truth -- no matter how thin or ramshackle -- to lovingly polish, mess around with, stamp my foot on.

The next thing you'll say is you're a poor liar, too.

I don't have a good liar's imagination, creativity, and diligence. I am too lazy to try to remember lies or note them down. And I hate being caught up in the maze of one lie after another. I'm not saying I don't lie.

For a while, you haven't written. Write something, anything.

You don't when you are empty. When there's no kindling in the head. No fire in the belly. When you're dry in the heart, and elsewhere.


Some people hate to be angry or afraid or lonely. But the saddest thing to feel is nothing.

It is sad not being able to write.

Come on lighten up. You're too old to take yourself seriously.


2.

It's funny how others think old people do not feel as they do. Or are not entitled.

People say, shaking their head:

Really, now -- you STILL sleep eight hours a day? Love chocolates? Swoon over Piolo? Go kilig over someone guapo? Smile at yourself in the mirror? March at EDSA?

And, oh wow, you STILL play games online? YM-chat? Blog? Giggle? Sulk? Dream dreams? Take yourself seriously?

As though one is transformed by the wand of old age into a eunuch -- calcified, barely moving, bereft of dreams and appetites. Or at least someone who doesn't do much beyond read newspapers, watch television, dote on grandkids, complain of aching joints, and go nostalgic over lost youth.

Have I joined the ranks of the disenfranchised ... or will soon do?

I need to have a fall back for that "someday soon" when I would be shunted from the mainstream to the edges of life. Or, God, let me just drop out from it.


3.

Before I forget, I can STILL skip-hop ...

And can still write feeling poems too:


I have forgotten the fire
The fire that spreads like a blanket
And takes the nip out
Of a rainy night.

I have forgotten the spark
That spangles the eyes that glimpse it
And scalds the hand
That reaches out to touch it.

Yonder smolders a bonfire of dreams
Whoa, heart,don't go.
Heart, heart
Oh ...





(My 100th post, celebrated with all the angst I am capable of.)

46 comments:

Sexy Mo said...

#1--you can! you can even weave the true into fiction and fiction into true. and oh yes, yes, a totally agree with you when you say "the saddest thing to feel is nothing"

#2 - Have I joined the disenfranchised .. or will soon do? = NO! NO! Please don't!

#3, you haven't! this is just a pause, after the 99th, a hundreth, and the next and the next

this is just another beginning--happy 100th!!!

(pareho na naman tayo--i began my latest article with "oday, on my 333rd blogpost, ...") lol

Anonymous said...

I suppose angst is par for the course for writers and artists.
The problem is when it stays and makes one dysfunctional. I am sure though you know how to handle angst.

Congrats for your 100th. More, please.

- Jerry

rheiboy17 said...

alam mo, creativity is the product of all the emotion a human being can experience - galit, saya, iyak, bwiset, antok, boredome, pagod lahat lahat na!

that's why you are creative, unique and has limitless possibilities. congratulations annamanila, isa kang henyo!

:-)

julie said...

"But the saddest thing to feel is nothing."

Someone said being uncaring, indifferent is not good and I agree.

Keep 'em coming AM :)

Gina said...

A milestone post!!!

It is reading posts like this- heartfelt, personal, witty,angst-y,spellbinding,warm,(anopaba?) that make me realize how fortunate I am to discover the blogworld.

You are really Something Ms AM!

Your forever fan and reader,

Gina

Leah said...

Agree ako kay Gina all the way!

I can certainly feel the angst in this post , deeply and emotional.
Happy 100th post - walang pa-contest?

Your fan as well,
Leah

Annamanila said...

Sexy mo?!

You mean, sexy ako? At last .. what a gift for my 100th! Well, maybe I got sexy by osmosis, by being friends with you. haha

Thanks, Dine. Don't worry, for you disenfranchisement is a far off possibility. You will always be at the center of things.

Annamanila said...

Jerry!

Where have you been. Missed your rejoinders.

Thank you. I am never dysfunctional for long.

Annamanila said...

Rheiboy!

I agree we need creativity for antok, galit, boredom, etc. Even to spice up relationships and make them last, di ba?

Thanks. It is assuring to hear from you that that for such as me, there are still possibilities ahead. Promise ha?

Henyo? uhrrrm .. not by a far shot. but thanks sobrang thanks.

Annamanila said...

Julie!

I read and I tend to agree that the opposite of love is not hatred but indifference.

I will keep em coming for blog friends like you.

Promise you will keep yours coming too.

Annamanila said...

Awww, Gina!

What can I say? Except that your friendship and approval of my writing is IVERY IMPORTANT to me. Serious.

Annamanila said...

Leah!

Hmmm I will think of something soon.

We're mutual fans club, you know that. and with Gina too.

Happy meet up with Gina. If I can just fly to join you. My thoughts can, though. :)

Shirazi said...

This quasi fictional post alone is proof enough for you to be called fiction writer. Go ahead...

Dio

Annamanila said...

Dio!

Happy to hear again from you after a long silence.

Thanks for the encouragement. I don't say I can't or don't write fiction; it just isn't easy for me.

All best.

nyl said...

wow!i love that poem!keep it up!

nice site.;)

Rudy said...

One hundred entries pa lang? With the way you write, you should be churning out more... :-)

Happy Hundreth, Myrna... :-)

kathy said...

Happy 100th post, annamanila.
I can definitely emphatize with you on the "kindling in the head" part before I get to write anything. I used to force myself to blog, but now I wait for the right inspiration to kick in. At least that way I can finish a blog post in just one sitting. :)

Anna said...

wonderful, wonderful post! if i can talk to myself this way, i'd have trophies lining my shelf :P happy 100th post, AM. i look forward to more...

lei said...

how i wish i could write like you. i'm a fan you know.

happy 100th post. :)

Annamanila said...

nyl!

Thanks for the tickling words and I am so ticklish. :)

Will hop by soon. Meanwhile, keep it up too.

Annamanila said...

Rudy!

Thanks. My blog pieces are so labored. I can't churn them out like you do. You write spontaneously kasi, which I like.

Annamanila said...

Kathy!

Yup, sometimes the words just flow. And other times, we have to squeeze them out and all we get are some drip-drops. :) But that's the way it is. And still, we write.

Ty for your greetings.

Annamanila said...

Anna!

Where are the trophies? All I have are those little medals you pin in some inner lapel of the heart. Still, they are so precious. I love the way you write too, Anna.

Annamanila said...

Lei!

Thanks for being kind. I enjoy your blog too, it makes me laugh all the time and encourages me to write even those brief comments in Pilipino. Hugs to Jared.

karen said...

i can totally relate to your post, except that i think you are a great writer and i'm not. hehehe... i always go on about being a frustrated writer and yet i am so lazy to even try and sit down and write a good post(not even a great one).

and i also have a pathetic imagination. i've never even imagined venturing into fiction... di ko carry... hehehe

i really love reading your heartfelt posts though, i know it's just a slump. good luck!

Heart of Rachel said...

Happy 100th post my friend!

I admire the way you express your thoughts in words. I love the way you inject wit, humor and passion in your posts.

I agree, age should not stop a person from exploring new things. Everyone deserves a bit of excitement and fun in life.

Your poems are all heart.

bw said...

Congrats on your 100th post although you tempered the angst haha :)

Just like me, I also lose the fire in things that I love to do and I have to rekindle it every now and then. Nope - never think of joining the disenfranchised - you don't belong there !

ysrael said...

I don't like to comments of how good you are, alam na naming lahat yun eh.
Congratulation! and I am looking forward for your 1000 post.

niceheart said...

Just a little embellishment of the truth will pass up for good fiction. :)

Happy 100th post miss anna!

More power to you and your blog. :)

prinsesamusang said...

congratulations on the 100th post! i wonder how that feels? lol! anyway, i enjoyed reading your conversations.

Annamanila said...

Karen!

Ty. It feels so great when readers say they can relate or have been touched by what I write.

Let me read your pieces one of these days.

Annamanila said...

Rach!

Thanks. Your comments are always very encouraging. You're such a positive and cool buddy!

Annamanila said...

Niceheart!

You're exactly right ... you can embellish truth and in that sense it is half fiction.

:)

Annamanila said...

BW!

We lose fire or enthusiasm but that's okay ... we recover it sooner or later.

BW, I wont join the ranks of the disenfranchised as long as it is up to me. :)

Annamanila said...

Ysrael!

Thanks, upon my dashboard, thank you very much.

Annamanila said...

Prinsesa Musang!

I never imagined I could go this far .. write my 100th. I was always on the verge of scratching bottom. Meron pa pala somewhere deeper, deepest .. and well some external current events are bloggable too.

Will hope by one of these days. Ty, ty.

Cookie said...

I wish I could make such intelligent conversation with myself :D

And this is supposed to be written by someone who has nothing to write about. Beautiful. You are definitely far from being over the hill.

Happy 100th post!! Looking forward to the next hundred :)

Toe said...

Hehe... para ka ng si Gollum... talking to yourself. :) Hey... why not... I sleep ten hours and eat chocolate. :) But I like Jay Cuenca... or is it Jake... shucks... can't even get his name right. :)

Toe said...

Oh, and I forgot... happy 100th! Biro mo 'yan... cool na cool ka talaga Annamanila! :)

Annamanila said...

Cookie!

The downward slide from the hill is perhaps also exhilirating ... no? Let me just try to go down gracefully. if that is at all possible.

The next 100 seems imminently doable! :)

Ty ty.

Annamanila said...

Toe!

Taga hogwarts ba si gollum o taga lord of the rings. Alam mo, I confuse the two eh. Anyway, talking to myself is something I do more often these days ... in preparation for the so called empty nest season. So I better enjoy my own company and conversation. haha

Ty.

exskindiver said...

whoa, heart, don't go--
the line makes me want to cry.
annamanila kudos for a well written piece.

my mind is all scattered right now but off the top of my head the line:

"you don't need a good memory when you are in the habit of telling the truth" popped into my head.

is that random or fitting?
i don't know.

happy 100th MC.
happy friendships made with this blog too--because you know, you truly touch people with your writing.

you write from the heart with no hidden agenda, no ads, no nothing.
just you.
and we love it.

i know i have not been around much but that is true of my life these days in blogland and here at home.
but with the school year approaching and me going back to a more regular schedule i hope to be able to keep in better touch with you.

i said it before and i will say it again:
you have a standing invitation to visit me here.

~chesca

Annamanila said...

Yes, the habit of telling the truth does not require creativity nor good memory. That is both random (on your part) and fitting (on mine) and may be boring too, ha. That's why we take liberties with the truth.

Blogging has its cycles too. like the rising and the waning of the moon. I am glad I caught you on a full moon. :)

I know the invitation stands. Hope floats, you know.

Bless you Chesca.

And thanks for putting ur dad in touch with my site. Will answer him soon. His letter deserves something better thought out than I usually churn out when I counter comment. Won't you encourage him to blog,too?

Belle said...

anna, you are one of the few who can come up with a beautiful post even when you feel there is nothing worth writing about. you are one of a kind.

looking forward for more post.

your forever fan.

Abaniko said...

You call these angst? My Golly, they're literature! :)

Happy 100th post, Annamanila!

dimaks said...

happy 100th post! hmn, arent you supposed to conduct some contest as most bloggers do? hehe.. just kidding :)

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