Wednesday, June 25, 2008

My Journal, My Voice - 1

Sometimes, I go crazy-like. Like:

I am old and ugly and dumb and uncool!! and I don’t even try to pretend I am not. And other people are horrid!! and life sucks!! and who asked to be born anyway??? and, you, who’s running this lousy show, will you just stop a sec, I WANNA GET OUT!!

On my journal, I write down my anger, fears, woes. I write with exclamation points and question marks and big capital letters and double underlines. As I write, my fury flows with my tears, smudging pages. Soon it abates, dissipates as though by putting all the toxin on paper, it stays put there.

Weeks, months, years later, I reread what I wrote. Whew and whoa! Was that me spewing all that poison? Was that me feeling such negative emotion?

I laugh at myself. How OA can I be?! As I read, I knew -- the next time I feel so horribly, I can and will take myself less seriously.


Today, I feel down again. Not deeply-darkly down but spring-feverishly so. I bring out my journal and force-feed on the bright and the beautiful, the good and the glad. Write three -- I commanded myself -- just three things to be high about.

At first my mind is frozen, my hands leaden. You can do it, I cheered myself on.

(I begin tentatively) Good health, with no maintenance prescriptions yet.

Hipon in my fridge, Anne Tyler, Quindlen and Lamott in my book shelf. “New” ukay shirts in my closet, a consultancy contract in my pocket. Writing, blogging, online scrabbling, badminton, baking. (Now, my pen is flying).

Warm bodies in my life. My children not all of them bright but all of them beautiful. My Apo Andeng – certainly both bright and beautiful – and sweetly addicting. My sister, my pamangkins and apo sa pamangkin – doting and doted on.

Warm buddies – old, new, real, virtual.

Sunrise, sunsets, sunflowers.

My journal.

Before I knew it I had written down 30 and still writing.

23 comments:

Sexy Mom said...

i did miss you yesterday, i knew you were really not well not to come. and now look here, i got your colds, virtually. i was down the whole day, in bed, but instead of thinking about what life has brought me, i just slept, sniffles in between practically the whole day.

and yes, there is so much to be thankful for--just look around, no need to go far. and you did find not 3, not 30, but more.

get well soon!

Gina said...

Oh, this is so beautiful AM.

So many things to be happy and thankful about.


I should make my own list too.

Princess said...

See? You've got a lot of beautiful things around and about you, Anna! But if you need to, vent it all out!!!
Have a great half year.

myepinoy said...

here is another alternative.

Ha ha ha ha.
And another ha ha ha ha (louder)
and another HA HA HA HA (mas louder)
and another HA HA HA HA (mas louder and longer)
And another HA HA HA HA HA mas louder mas longer this time with a smile)
repeat several times.

be crazy it's easy. be crazy and be happy. LOL

Hope you get better soon

soloops said...

We all have our drama queen moments, Ms. Anna, and they are as important as those heady days of sunshine. Not that I know whereof I speak, though, haha.

btw, you missed number 31:

He surely packed a lot of talent into that still slim physique. wink!

Uyy, smile naman jan.

lady cess said...

in my mind's journal, i have to steer away from the negative pages as well and focus on the happy lists. pa-pangit lang ako, so i'd rather literally count the blessings. pam-pawala ng wrinkles =D the latest entry on my happy list is a jar of nutella and fresh bread on the table. sarap!
papisil sa pisngi ni andeng =)

Leah said...

I open my journal once in a while and all i read are sad and angry thoughts. I guess that's what I used it for , as a doormat for my woes.
Although , it is a better idea to write down positive things. I've read somewhere that it is good to write the one thing each day that you are thankful for. It is a good practice I think and your entry is a good kick to start it.

Take care AM.

rowena said...

Hi AM, as they say when you can't sleep at night, count all the blessings you've got, you'll eventually sleep even before you've finished counting. So many things to be grateful for...especially the adorable Andeng. ;-)

lei said...

hi ms. anna. just dropping by here, sending love. have a great day.
:)

Anna said...

what a beautiful list! i still have my journals from way, way, way back and when i reread entries written in angst and in anger i always give myself a mental kick in the butt. ah, to be young and self-centered, really!

Rudy said...

I wish I could write down the many things in my life that I, a natural-born whiner, should be thankful for. But alas, the drama king inside me always gets the upper hand, and I end up writing down my frustrations my blog instead... hay.

Hope you feel better, Myrna...

freeze said...

and best of all, blogging is therapeutic :)

pining said...

as I'm reading the first few lines of this post, I thought, it can't be.
I guess I'm not used to see you whine in this blog,he he.
but, yes,at the end of the day, we really have a lot to thank for... top it with a nice glass of wine, have a lovely week ahead :-)

rhodora said...

Hope you are okay now.

When I'm sick or feeling down, I would do that too - think of nice things, like Julie Andrews singing "My Favorite Things". It helps. hehehe.

chateau aka imom said...

I started a Gratitude Journal years ago. I still go back to it once in a while when I need to.
There really is no end when it comes to things to be thankful for... if we just choose to see them.
I hope you're better now. See you soon. :)

ysrael said...

You are not crazy because you have done crazy things. But if you want to be one it's still okay w/ me.

ScroochChronicles said...

I have the trick..when you're feeling down and when you think that life sucks..follow this mantra...preferably in front of the mirror...just say..

AYYY...EMMM...BEE...YOOO..TEEE...FUUULL!!

Trust me, it works all the time :)

Still owe you another pen..hehehe :)

raqgold said...

i miss writing a journal. i had to stop when i got 'addicted' to blogging :D and you are right, sometimes writing things down helps a lot already

julie said...

So many things to be thankful for.

Writing in a journal seemed to be a thing in the past. My Trixie has a journal, has been keeping these for years.

Kung galit ka, writing it down is better than saying something bad to another person which you might regret later on.

ysrael said...

Hey anna, I was planning to host an Scrabble torney just for us bloggers. Ako na ang bahala sa mga scrabble sets at iba pa. The venue will be at Green grill House sa QC.
Tentative date will be on July 22, Sunday.
Do you think they welcome the idea?

Heart of Rachel said...

I have old journals that I enjoy reading. Sometimes I find it so amusing how ma-drama I am in life but realize how I'm still the same old drama queen. I just don't write much about it in my blog. For some reason, I find it easier to write about uplifting and happy moments on my blog.

Anonymous said...

Hi i am fresh on here, I hit upon this board I have found It truly accommodating & it has helped me alot. I hope to give something back and guide other people like its helped me.

Thank You, See You Later

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Is this possible?

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