Taking Responsibility

"Anna, you got to help. All the rest has said their piece and we have been quiet. They are waiting for us to make a stand."

That was JP, leader of an old and respected professional group in the country -- sounding anxious. He was my former boss and now a good friend.

He wanted me to revise his group's position paper on "a damaged people" that they wanted to publish in the dailies soon.

JP, I told him, how can I help you? I don't understand what's happening. And I don't want to; I refuse to.

That was the truth. That wasn't mere avoidance of more work (though I have a rising hillock of papers atop my desk).

For months, I had insulated myself from the percolating political turmoil. I cocooned myself in my own little world where I was peacefully and blissfully mothering/grandmothering, book writing/editing, maintaining my innocous blogsite, keeping up with my limited social life, and otherwise pretending I was immune to execrable pinoy politics.

"Nope," I repeated as though to convince myself, "I have stayed too long in the cold to warm up to the issue now."

"Just go over our draft, edit it, polish it" -- JP persisted. "Add your own thoughts. We will give you materials, answer all your questions."

JP and I go back a long way. He accompanied me to then Constabulary Chief Fidel Ramos when my father was detained in Crame in the early days of martial law. JP would buy, when I asked, remote control cars and other toys for all my boys during his official trips abroad. In turn, he expected my editing help. He has always been so persistent and pushy in a sweet way, sometimes sending me roses. And he knows, I suppose, in the end I'd find it hard to say "No."

That was how I began my crash course on the national drama series starring Neri, Lozada, Abalos, and the Arroyo couple, with a supporting cast from the Senate, the cabinet, the clergy, the old leadership, the civil society, the military.

"Are we about to oust another president?" -- I kept asking.

"Yes" seemed to be the answer though I didn't hear a categorical affirmation.

"Who's going to take her place?" -- I fretted.

"Lacson is good," JP's friend, a prominent businessman replied. When I made a face, I was promised an email about the good but misunderstood man that Ping Lacson was. Roxas and Gordon's names were also mentioned, but in halfhearted tones.

"What about Bayani Fernando" -- I said. I always thought we needed to be strong-armed, the same way Lee Kuan Yew bullied the Singaporeans.

The more I read the news and commentaries and the more I watched tv talk shows, the less I was able to form categorical judgments. I was unable to unerringly separate the good guys from the bad. I see most of the players in varying shades of gray. I could not tell: Who are on the take? Who are letting themselves be manipulated? hostaged? Who are prevaricating? Who are shielding who and from what? Is there a direct link between the abominable corruption and GMA?

It might be because I am EDSA-fatigued. At EDSA 1, I rehearsed, with other women, confronting imaginary tanks, cajoling imaginary soldiers and offering them real, not imaginary, white roses. (I was disappointed when the tanks didn't show up in our part of EDSA). I got involved too in a near stampede at EDSA 2 where I observe my young daughter who had a mild heart disorder turn from pink to gray and myself about to collapse from lack of air.

Or because of a sneaking suspicion we are character-blemished as a people and that regardless who sits next in Malacanang would sell our national patrimony down the drain as well.

Or because there is something inherently wrong with our political systems that breed leaders with absolute power which of course absolutely corrupts.

I don't know. I am not sure.

The only thing I was sure of, as I wound up my information seeking, was what I have always known before -- that we all take personal and collective responsibility for the rut we find ourselves in.

We felt euphoric after the two EDSAs. After anointing our new heroes and new leaders, we went back to our own little comfort zones and our own little compromising ways, and our own little machinations to preserve our own little status-quos. We all have Lozada's oh-so flexible tolerance boundaries, don't we? -- that point up to which we are willing to compromise our so-called principles. I myself cheered when GMA cheated in the last elections in my paranoia over sending another actor to Malacanang.

That is what I added, not in exact same words, into JP's group position paper.

Yesterday morning, after I submitted the revised paper, JP summoned me to where he and his colleagues were meeting.

When I opened the door, I entered to the clapping of hands.

Flabbergasted, I mumbled lamely there was absolutely nothing new I wrote there.

They said not to worry and that people simply needed to be reminded.